Should My Child Go to the Funeral? A Parent’s Story
Updated August 20, 2026
Annoyed that my phone was ringing so early in the morning as I hurried to get my kids ready for school, I looked at the caller ID. I was surprised it was my brother calling on their anniversary. I was going to call them later.
However, the next few minutes changed all our lives forever.
My brother blurted out J is dead.
Not wanting my kids, aged 7 and 8, to hear the rest of the conversation, I hurried upstairs. Upon returning to the kitchen, they were scared and asked what happened. Apparently, they had heard enough before I could get farther away. I had no choice but to tell them their cousin was dead. In shock, I tried to explain what had happened and discuss with my husband whether I should just go to the funeral alone since it was out of state. Both girls cried, “You can’t leave us here!” I never got the chance to sit down and think through whether my child should go to the funeral. My girls answered that question before I could even ask it. We would all go.
Should My Child Go to the Funeral?
Looking back, the thing that made the decision for me was simple: my girls asked to come. They didn’t want to be left behind, and once I heard that, there wasn’t a decision left to make.
Not every family gets that clarity. If your child hasn’t said one way or the other, it helps to just ask them directly rather than deciding for them.When they do want to go, a little preparation for what they’ll see can keep things from catching them off guard. If they say no, that’s an answer too, not something to talk them out of. A child who skips the funeral can still say goodbye in other ways, like writing a letter, choosing a photo to keep by their bed, or lighting a candle at home the same day.
How Do You Talk to a Child About Death?
I gave my girls the chance to ask questions, and they asked the same ones more than once. That’s normal. Repetition is part of how kids work through something this big. I answered as honestly and plainly as I could, and I didn’t shy away from the word dead.
I avoided saying J was sleeping or had gone away. Kids are literal, and those phrases have a way of turning into a fear of bedtime or thinking the person will eventually come back.
We talked about J by name instead of “your cousin.” Using his name was a comfort, not something that reopened the wound. And I tried to be patient with myself too, because there is no one right way to walk a child through this, and I was learning it right alongside them.
What Should I Expect at the Funeral?
Looking back, there’s a lot I’d prepare them for differently now. I’d tell them ahead of time how people would be sad and not want to play, and that there would be lots of crying, even from adults they didn’t know.
What surprised my girls most wasn’t the casket itself. It was watching it close. That moment hit them harder than anything else that day, and it’s the one thing I wish I’d walked them through beforehand.
If I’d had a book like In Loving Memory in hand that week, written by Lacie Brueckner and Katherine Pendergas, a funeral director and a child psychologist, I think it would have helped me prepare them instead of figuring it out on the fly in an airport the night before or at the funeral itself. You can find In Loving Memory here.
The Bear That Helped Her Say Goodbye
Preparation is one piece of helping a child through a funeral. Having something to hold onto in the hardest moments is another, and that’s something I’ve seen firsthand.
A few years ago, a mom reached out to me. Her daughter was struggling, really struggling, with the death of her great-grandma, and the funeral was coming up fast. She asked if there was any way I could get a memorial bear made from her great-grandma’s clothing in time for her little girl to have it there.
Normally my turnaround takes a few weeks. This wasn’t a normal situation. Because it was for a child who needed something to hold onto before she said goodbye, I moved her to the front of the line and got the bear finished in time.
That little girl held her bear all through the funeral. Something about having a piece of her great-grandma right there in her arms, something soft and real and hers, gave her a way to get through a day that’s hard even for grown-ups.
Her mom later told me, “This is still one of the greatest blessings we could have asked for and cannot thank you enough that she will always have a special piece of her great grandma with her!”
That’s the whole reason I make these. Not because a bear fixes grief, but because sometimes a child just needs something to hold. If that’s something your family could use, you can see the memory bear made from a loved one’s clothing here.
If You’re Grieving Too
That week I was pulled in every direction. I was trying to be strong for my brother and his wife, for my mother, and for my own kids, all at the same time. I stepped straight into caretaking mode and didn’t leave much room to fall apart myself.
I’m honestly not sure how I would have gotten through that week without my husband. He even had to book our flights, because I couldn’t string two thoughts together, let alone remember how to spell Fargo.
If you’re the one holding everyone else together right now, it’s ok to lean on someone too. Support in Sorrow has resources built for the parent doing the holding-together, not just the child.
Related Blog Posts
